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Never have & never will be good enough.
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Current Location: Singapore, Yishun New Town
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Sheryl Zhang
24 January 2011 @ 10:58 pm
I hope the decision that I have made today had given you the slightest impact/realisation. I hope this decision would let you realise how we feel when you don’t even care about us. I hope that I would not regret this decision that I have made today in the future. I hope that someday, you’ll become the man of my impossible dream.
But in case you see this, I just couldn’t will myself to dial your number. I can’t imagine the amount tears I’ll shed. I can’t imagine all the hurtful words you might throw my way. I can’t imagine the pain I’ll have to endure in silence.
All I wanted to say was 2 simple words, 1 sincere wish; Happy Birthday.
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and its all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake
I'm holding my breath
Won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold
Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I say to you
Something keeps me holding on to nothing
I just know
You're not gone
You can't be gone
Current Mood: 
gloomy
gloomyCurrent Music: Taylor Swift- Haunted
18 January 2011 @ 10:06 pm
Day 2 of training in ELDC. Nothing seems to be going right thus far.
I have never been strong in programming. In fact, I've got to admit that know nuts about it. Just when I thought I was free from it, it's saying hi to me again. Like, we've obviously chose the business track because we clearly are incredibly crappy at IT. Early Chinese New Year red packet for us DBI students in ELDC perhaps?
Earlier on today, I don't know if it's due to fatigue or some other reason, but I managed to zone out semi-consciously during a class. Best point? I didn't even realize it. When I was 'back', I didn't know anything that was going on. Be it where I had stopped in my work, where the teacher was at, I was completely lost in some supposedly easy to do stuff like, change the color of the dang rectangular shape. The supervisor (probably jokingly) remarked that I wasn't paying attention in class 'cause that particular shape was supposed to be in the button or graphic mode but it was in the movie clip mode in my work. I didn't know how that shape became a movie clip thing in the first place. Great.
As if that wasn't enough, the coding part began. Even copying the codes from the teacher's screen proved to be an utter failure. The supervisor literally stayed by my seat for a good 5-15 minutes squatting/sitting on the floor trying to figure out why my work couldn't work. It turned out that I had put a full stop before some bracket thing. The supervisor even questioned if I was testing his knowledge in what he was teaching by putting that full-stop there. Truth? I don't know what was going on with me the whole day. I don't even know how that full stop got there though it's obvious that I had typed it in somehow or rather. Awesome highlight No. 2.
Though I was laughing at myself, I was frustrated. I felt suffocated. I felt extremely stressed. It's funny how many people say I look stress-free when I have a thousand and one things going through my mind. Perhaps I'm thinking too much but I really worry about how I would even manage to finish up a project in ELDC.
I'm feel like I'm at a disadvantage either way. If I'm creative and smart enough to use the software to create what I have pictured in my mind, I would stand a good chance of not being allocated to the project that has loads of programming involved. If I have a decent knowledge of programming, I wouldn't feel so bad even if I got allocated to a programming project.
The truth is, I'm neither creative nor at the basic standard in programming. Stress and frustrations are kicking in full swing for sure. Maybe I'm just being over critical on myself. Ah well, they all say that you are your worst enemy, don't they? Sigh.
And I can’t breathe without you, but I have to
confused16 January 2011 @ 10:23 pm
The past 6 weeks in EMRS has been a great one for me. The first week was with the old batch of EMRS students- which was pretty neat. They were nice though the awkwardness of having new DBI students in an already close knit team was obviously present.
Things started to turn for the better in the 2nd week. I’m fortunate to have been in an awesome team 5. Thank you for being so nice to me throughout the 5 weeks that I’ve been with you guys. I’ve never thought I’d feel so happy to have worked with so many people in one team and working on several seemingly non-stop projects together. I can’t believe how those times could be filled with so much fun. You guys actually made me look sooooo forward to going to school. Though there were stressful times to meet deadlines and stuff, we had fun while being productive at the same time (:
I don’t make a whole lot of sense most of the time. But one thing’s for sure. Thank you to all of you, my dear team 5 and other awesome EMRS mates from the other four 4 teams for making my experience in EMRS an extremely enjoyable one. I’ll never forget it & will always miss being in the project room and working with all of you (:
As for what the last 6 weeks of my schooling life in NYP entails, I absolutely have no idea. I’ll just cross my fingers and hope that the final sprint towards graduation from NYP will be a smooth sailing one.
21 November 2010 @ 09:25 am
I hope karma gets you hard, rude inconsiderate dude. I can forget about you not acknowledging my brother & me. I can't do so when you're creating so much inconvenience without sparing a though for either of us.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Current Location: Singapore, Yishun New Town
21 November 2010 @ 03:33 am
I’m glad you texted things out. I’m glad you let me know you’re upset. & for all that I’ve done, I’ve realized my mistake. I’m sorry.
Yes I’m too oblivious, too much of a happy-go-lucky person that lives only in the present and doesn’t think about future consequences, the domino effect. I get lost in the moment. I should’ve been more far-sighted.
I shouldn’t even be commenting about the choices you make, even if you asked me to. But it’s hard for me, as a friend to watch you suffer in silence. I really don’t wish to see you going through all the nonsense that you’ve endured thus far. You’re a great girl that deserves so much better.
I haven’t cried in a long while. But as of 3am today, I finally did while typing out this entry. The emotional impact on me is too much that I have to put out this entry in hopes that you’ll see this someday. I know I’ve texted you my most sincere apology. I’m unsure about whether you’ve accepted it. I know that you’re still mad at me. But in case you do read this, just know I meant my apology. I completely understand if you wouldn’t forgive me.
I realized my mistake the moment I read your facial expressions. My intention wasn’t never to hurt you. I know you’re protective of him. His reputation, his feelings, his everything. But just stop for a moment and think about why you’re doing this besides the fact that you love him. Think about what he has done to you. Does he deserve that little bit of humiliation? To wake him up to his senses that he is in fact in the wrong? Please stop torturing yourself. It’s pointless. I completely understand how you feel when you mentioned about not being able to let go. He’s never going to change even if you begged him to. You’re hurting every single friend around you. It’s really no airy matter to see a dear friend suffering all sorts of nonsense possible in silence.
Maybe I should’ve just put on a mask, lied to you instead of being painfully honest in every word I say. I should’ve been a mute all these while.
Dang it I’m actually commenting again. Guess it’ll be a while till i learn how to shut this trap of mine so I wouldn’t hurt more people around me in the future.
I’ll learn to shut up. I’ll learn to make my feelings immune to things around me so I won’t even feel a thing. I don’t want to be able to sense people’s feelings and thoughts anymore even if it may just be of 95% accuracy rate. It’s painful. Since I can’t control (or am going to start learning how to control) the words I say in situations like this, I’m going to have to close that door in my mind to not venture out, to disallow access of knowing about the happenings in my friends’ lives.
I’d probably seem anti-social. I’m blocking out everyone. I really don’t want to. I love my friends. I love everyone. But if it means hurting less people, I wouldn’t mind being lonely.
Would I be able to accomplish that? I don’t know. I’m going to try. Would it be much better for all? If I know lesser, I wouldn’t have much feelings that I’d experience. Without those, I wouldn’t even start commenting anyway. Or would I?
11 August 2009 @ 02:52 am
Title says it all (:
Of course I'll still blog. It's just that I tweet waaayy more than I blog. (:
Current Music: Bubbly- Colbie Caillat
09 June 2009 @ 11:38 pm
I had two of the worst days, ever.
Monday: I had a horrible lunch. I ordered fishball noodles, with ketchup. Someone else ordered fishball noodles too, but with CHILLI. So I ended up with the one with chilli because that guy took my bowl of noodles away without even looking. Let's just say that the bowl of noodles tasted extremely disgusting to me because I hate having my noodles in chilli.
Today: I totally freaked out during the IPTNET practical test. During the English PSLE paper, I just cried at my seat. Today? Sigh. I have never ever been like this before. I have lost count of how many times I've used vulgarities today when I don't usually use them at all.
The moment I saw the computer screen, my mind just blanked out instantly. I started to panic. To make things worse, everyone around me were super geniuses, typing away as though their fingers were on the verge of breaking anytime, especially Emily because she was sitting right beside me. & for me, the piece of paper I had on my table was practically useless because my mind was so blanked out! Anyway, panicking wasn't the worst thing that happened. I started to feel breathless. I was THAT close to having hyperventilation. I was also that close to bursting out in tears.
The computer refused to cooperate with me, that dang packet tracer software especially. When everyone were finishing their tests, I have not even started on mine. When people were all smiles, walking around and chatting away, I was stuck at the first step. Even when I transferred the file from the teacher's thumbdrive (we had to have a basic file that the teacher sent to work on), the computer refused to open the file, all thanks to HeuCampus.
Lots of other things but ah well.
Needless to say, I was the last to finish my test. Very thankful for my classmates who stayed behind even when the whole of 0801 went home. Thank you Emily, Syu & Darius for helping me. & sorry Emily for affecting your concentration and making you flustered because I was freaking out right beside you. & to my classmates whom I have affected in any way, I'm so sorry. Never have I expected myself to freak out like that.
I'm utterly disgusted with myself. It's 12:45AM now and my mind is still blank, my hands are still a little shakey from just now. Why do I lack so much confidence? Why do I get so worked up over the tiniest details? It's like, even a small thing like playing the piano in the library cafe gets me all nervous till both my hands and legs turn wobbly and shakey.
I've always said that I'm the weirdest girl around, these are just a few examples- there you have it. I don't know, I'm just speechless.
Monday: I had a horrible lunch. I ordered fishball noodles, with ketchup. Someone else ordered fishball noodles too, but with CHILLI. So I ended up with the one with chilli because that guy took my bowl of noodles away without even looking. Let's just say that the bowl of noodles tasted extremely disgusting to me because I hate having my noodles in chilli.
Today: I totally freaked out during the IPTNET practical test. During the English PSLE paper, I just cried at my seat. Today? Sigh. I have never ever been like this before. I have lost count of how many times I've used vulgarities today when I don't usually use them at all.
The moment I saw the computer screen, my mind just blanked out instantly. I started to panic. To make things worse, everyone around me were super geniuses, typing away as though their fingers were on the verge of breaking anytime, especially Emily because she was sitting right beside me. & for me, the piece of paper I had on my table was practically useless because my mind was so blanked out! Anyway, panicking wasn't the worst thing that happened. I started to feel breathless. I was THAT close to having hyperventilation. I was also that close to bursting out in tears.
The computer refused to cooperate with me, that dang packet tracer software especially. When everyone were finishing their tests, I have not even started on mine. When people were all smiles, walking around and chatting away, I was stuck at the first step. Even when I transferred the file from the teacher's thumbdrive (we had to have a basic file that the teacher sent to work on), the computer refused to open the file, all thanks to HeuCampus.
Lots of other things but ah well.
Needless to say, I was the last to finish my test. Very thankful for my classmates who stayed behind even when the whole of 0801 went home. Thank you Emily, Syu & Darius for helping me. & sorry Emily for affecting your concentration and making you flustered because I was freaking out right beside you. & to my classmates whom I have affected in any way, I'm so sorry. Never have I expected myself to freak out like that.
I'm utterly disgusted with myself. It's 12:45AM now and my mind is still blank, my hands are still a little shakey from just now. Why do I lack so much confidence? Why do I get so worked up over the tiniest details? It's like, even a small thing like playing the piano in the library cafe gets me all nervous till both my hands and legs turn wobbly and shakey.
I've always said that I'm the weirdest girl around, these are just a few examples- there you have it. I don't know, I'm just speechless.
Kelly Clarkson- Hear Me
source
Hear me
Hear me
You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?
Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?
Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?
Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Current Mood: crappy
crappyCurrent Music: Kelly Clarkson- Hear Me
30 May 2009 @ 01:23 pm
I wish for the existence of fairy god-mothers. I'd wish for everything to be back to where it was before. I don't want to see my already divided family become further divided. It's an extremely painful feeling to watch from the 3rd party view. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. No more stupid actions. No more fighting. Nobody disowns anyone. Please, just stop.
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Current Mood: sad
sadCurrent Music: Kelly Clarkson- Cry
18 May 2009 @ 11:59 am
I had an interesting day at school!
1. DMBS test was weird but thank goodness I could draw some stuff out on that paper. There's this guy sitting beside Emily & opposite me. As Emily said, he had severe swine flu. Haha! Of course she meant it in a joking manner. It's like, every single time he breathes, there would be this weird sound that comes out from him! Oh and it's really loud by the way. Emily and I had a hard time concentrating on our test scripts and I was giggling throughout the test because of that. Haha!
2. Rachel suggested going to Raffles for lunch. I tried out some healthy yoghurt/smoothie thing at a shop 'Boost'. I had the 'All Berry Bang' & it was really good! It's priced at pricey $5.90 but it's so worth it. Plus it's healthy! So yay for that because I don't get those stuff really often. It's like for the first time, I'm eating something yoghurt-related and I'm 100% enjoying it :D
3. At class, the DBMS tutor pronounced 'Hop' as 'Hope' and I laughed because Emily did. Lateron, when he wrote 'hop' on the whiteboard, the o looked like an i. So it looked like 'hip'. Emily asked me what's 'hip' on the whiteboard & I said:
.. Like, that turned out to be really loud because the whole class was silent all of a sudden! Haha! I was so embarrassed! It was meant for Emily but it seemed like I was making fun of the teacher when I didn't mean to!
To Emily: YOU should stop making fun of the teachers! It's unhealthy. (:
1. DMBS test was weird but thank goodness I could draw some stuff out on that paper. There's this guy sitting beside Emily & opposite me. As Emily said, he had severe swine flu. Haha! Of course she meant it in a joking manner. It's like, every single time he breathes, there would be this weird sound that comes out from him! Oh and it's really loud by the way. Emily and I had a hard time concentrating on our test scripts and I was giggling throughout the test because of that. Haha!
2. Rachel suggested going to Raffles for lunch. I tried out some healthy yoghurt/smoothie thing at a shop 'Boost'. I had the 'All Berry Bang' & it was really good! It's priced at pricey $5.90 but it's so worth it. Plus it's healthy! So yay for that because I don't get those stuff really often. It's like for the first time, I'm eating something yoghurt-related and I'm 100% enjoying it :D
3. At class, the DBMS tutor pronounced 'Hop' as 'Hope' and I laughed because Emily did. Lateron, when he wrote 'hop' on the whiteboard, the o looked like an i. So it looked like 'hip'. Emily asked me what's 'hip' on the whiteboard & I said:
HOP LAH! WHAT HIP!
.. Like, that turned out to be really loud because the whole class was silent all of a sudden! Haha! I was so embarrassed! It was meant for Emily but it seemed like I was making fun of the teacher when I didn't mean to!
To Emily: YOU should stop making fun of the teachers! It's unhealthy. (:
Current Music: River Flows In You- Yiruma
